I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
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