ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
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never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
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