Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
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let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
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