also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Send us your Text From Last Night!
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
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