help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i woke up with socks on this morning
i didnt wear socks last night
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