Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
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