That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Can you rollerblade?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
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