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I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
This baby is an asshole
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
so explain again why im purple
no
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Jerry, you need to find god
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
oh god the rape fog is back!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I think my fart just growled at me.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
and she was petting her beer can
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
...so i touched it.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I think she gave up trying 2 land a bf and let herself go
You misogynist thinking that every girl wants a bf
They do. I don't appreciate u using big words idk and im gonna take offense
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Moan for me like Helen Keller
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So how did finding that girl you know on GGW go?
I was so pissed when it just previews her all covered up. It would have been easier to just have sex with her
Yeah but then you would have a case of genitals gone wild
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
 go to hell.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You're like the curious george of whores
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
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