What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
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