he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
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i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
this beer tastes like vomit already
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