There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
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