Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
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