I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
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