You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
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