Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
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