Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
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