Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
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