if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
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