Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Send us your Text From Last Night!
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
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