You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
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