she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
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