Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
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