we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
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