you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Loading more great texts...