I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Send us your Text From Last Night!
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
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