Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Loading more great texts...