Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
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I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
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