He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
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