I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Houston, we have a blender
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
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