Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
you inspire me to be a worse person
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She even gives head with a lisp.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
cat food counts as protein by the way
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I love how my cats smell like pot.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
My thoughts exactly.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.