you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
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There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
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