tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I intend to get homeless drunk
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
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