Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
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I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
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