I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
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