Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
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Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
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