And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
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