I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Loading more great texts...