she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
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you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
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