So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Send us your Text From Last Night!
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
this will be a night to untag.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
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