She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
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