I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
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