I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
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