just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
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