LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
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