I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
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What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
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