i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
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Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
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