Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
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