mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
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when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
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