Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
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Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
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