i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
